stolen from phantomoftheopera.com

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
-Do not get me “The Phantom of Manhattan” or any other bad spin-off or otherwise blasphemous novels as gift or otherwise. If you choose to do so they will eventually end up as overpriced drink stands, door stops, fire kindling, etc.

-Speaking of gifts: unless you can somehow manage to buy Gerard Butler, don't get me anything pertaining to the movie. I torture myself enough already, I don't need your help.

-Do not cut off part of Michael Crawford's head from a picture whilst doing a visual report for acting with me. It's like cutting Jesus's head off 'The Last Supper'. The cutting off of Raoul's head, though, is not only acceptable but greatly encouraged.

-Do not touch any of the Phantom posters in my room/closet/bathroom/etc., fog or smudge the glass in any way. You are never to come within 3 feet of the big POTO Broadway poster hanging beside my bed, least I be forced to use the tazer.

-Do not disturb me while I'm having PMS- Phantom Meditation Syndrome. Trying to drag me out of my room, stop playing the songs at an obnoxious volume or making me stop watching the movies for a couple of minutes to “do something else with my life” at this time of the week WILL result in a mauling/chewing out. No, they do not make medication for this yet.

-Do not try to comprehend how I can love/despise with fiery passion the 2004 movie at the same time. Doing so will probably make your brain blow a circuit...as it does mine.

-Do not write anything over the various Phantom quotes written all over the inside of my choir binder. It's not nice.

-Do not ask to borrow my only copy of Kay's ' Phantom'. Get off your butt and order the book from a library yourself. I can't understand why this is such a difficult concept for people at my school to grasp. You're not mentally OR physically impaired; quit harassing me because it's not going to happen. The particular copy has a TON of sentimental value to me, considering who I got it from and why, and there's no way I'm going to let you have it for any period of time.

-Asking to borrow any one of my four copies of the original novel, on the other hand, will make me hypertastically proud. You'll probably be hugged...a lot... and given a bar mitzvah-like celebration. Most likely you'll be forced to read it at some point, depending on how long you've known me, anyway.

-Never call the stage show's costumes tacky. That's just asking for it.

-Knowing the lyrics to the songs does not impress me. Half the population knows the words to these songs. Sing “Think of Me” backwards in Lithuanian with a Jamaican accent and THEN we'll talk about impressive.

-NEVER, under any circumstances, get in an argument with me over what color or about my theory of what breed of horse Cesar was. He obviously wasn't black. And, like I've said over a thousand times: I still don't think he was WHITE either. He was most probably grey because there aren't many true white horses out there. What you'd usually call a “white” horse is actually a grey horse, just one with white hair. Their skin is grey. And this conversation will go on and on and on and on.... don't even get me started on what breed he may have been.
-Do not tell me you think Michael Crawford is an alto unless you are prepared for much ranting.

-If you start gushing about how amazing you think the movie is, prepare for a speech on everything they changed from the book and how much the movie sucks in comparison.

-Don't, under any circumstances, spell Erik's name with a c unless you are talking about a different Erik.

-If you tell me that you have seen the show, I will not care very much. If you start telling me that you've read the original book or seen the silent movie/any other relatively unknown movie adaptation, I will start to be interested.

-If I randomly start ranting about something POTO-related, it might be wise to ignore me.

-Don't ask why I fall asleep to the movie every weekend if I hate it so much.

-Never argue that Gerard Butler is a better singer than Michael Crawford; ever.
-Ensure that you pronounce Erik’s name with a 'K' - true phans will know if you even attempt to say 'Erick', 'Eric' or even the much disputed 'Erek' or any other variations. There is a huge difference, even if it is not phonic (sp?).
-Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, call Raoul a fop or a gay man. If you do so, don't send me your medical bill. You brought it upon yourself. Really.

-Slash is prohibited. End.

- If you intend to make me happy by saying you found a POTO movie and you want to watch it with me, I'll be delighted (even for the 2004 movie is you've never seen it before) However, make sure it's not Dario Argento's version. I will never trust you again.

- You may try to make me happy by saying ALW's making a sequel. But doing so will result in something completely different...

- Don't be alarmed if I rush to your side and grab your foot before you can crush that spider

- When I tell you I'm obsessed with the musical, I mean it; thus, I own lots of items. Don't offer to make me a copy of the 2004 soundtrack (seriously, how many times has this happened to you guys? I'm bad at denying though, so I have like 4 copies of the 2004 movie soundtrack plus the original ones I have...)

-You may just want to drag me away if I stop in front of a large mirror at the mall. I might be standing there all day.

- If you just so happen to get me a cat, make sure it's a Siamese

- If I'm in a particular very-Phantomy mood, don't offer me both supper and lunch--one meal a day is fine

- Just ignore my sudden interest in Opera's such as Faust (that is, if I didn't have interest all ready)


-If you are unfortunate enough to own the 2004 CD double collection and will not hand it over to add to my collection you will pay

-Do not offer to watch the original silent Phantom and then add in your own commentary of wise cracks. you will not live......

-Do not point at my Masquerade mask and say that it looks like it came of the gay Madir Gras float. You will die, somewhat excruciatingly.....

-Proposing marriage in the full phantom costume is acceptable. Dressing like Raoul in a strawberry blonde wig and proposing marriage is not...

-When entering a respectable establishment and discovering that there is a sizable chandelier it is customary to stand below and scream and collapse to the floor
- NEVER EVER compare Gerard Butler to Michael Crawford or you will suffer!

- Don't be alarmed if I see that you spell you name with a “K” instead of a “C” that I ask you if you have a mask on or loved anyone named Christine.
-When wanting to become a phan, NEVER think you've become one when saying "I saw the 2004 movie!!" There's a long way to go.

-NEVER think that you are a true phan when you get over Gerrik's 3rd degree sunburn.

-NEVER mention "Gerry Butler" to a Michael Crawford phan if you wish to live.

-NEVER mention "Gerry Butler" to a Leroux phan period.

-In fact, if you wish to talk about Gerrik at all, consult other Gerrik phans. The others will not listen to you. EVER.

-Unless of course you need a lecture in learning what exactly is a true Phan
-Don't call POTO an opera. It's not. It's a musical. Make this mistake and you're going to receive the customary “What Opera Is, What Opera Isn't” lecture and probably be violently forced to listen to something from Faust, Gianni Schicchi, Figaro or otherwise to make sure we've got this covered.

-Do not make fun of my thoroughness when it comes educating you about opera vs. musical theater. This information is vital for your survival. Remember: it's my world, you're just living in it.

-If you are lucky enough to attend an opera with me, DO NOT: squirm, whine constantly, check your phone for the time every two seconds, yawn excessively, make retarded faces to imitate the actors, ask “what the hell are they saying?” more than twice, fall asleep and/or drool, insult the actors and/or sing “Thriller” in the lobby during ANY of the intermissions, tell me that you thought it was going to be like that Bugs Bunny cartoon when you said you'd come, pretend to be suffocating to try to get out early, or ask me “what went on for the past 4 hours while those people were singing?”(Whaddaya think they print librettos for? their own health?). This behavior will not be tolerated, so shut up and get your culture.

-It is perfectly normal for me to name inanimate objects after Phantom characters. Keep this in mind at all times; you never know when I'm going to ask you to hand me Erik the pen, Christine the riding crop or Carlotta the cell phone. You'll be expected to know what all of these things are. Keep reminding yourself of them until you forget the actual name of the item.

-Do not keep a record of how many times I begin a sentence with “like in the Phantom of the Opera, when!!!.....” to explain a certain event/make an example in class/etc.

-Do not yell at me for writing 'Orange Juice of the Night' on the carton of Tropicana in the fridge with red Sharpie. It's not going to kill you so quit complaining about it.

-Do not make a fuss over any other food packages being vandalised with Phantom references.

-Never interrupt me while I'm doing my Carlotta impersonation....ever. The same goes for my Kristen Chenoweth and Samuel L. Jackson impressions.

-Taking any of my POTO CD cases and putting Hannah Montana or Justin Timberlake CDs in them is not cute or funny...it's hazardous to your health.

-If you didn't know my favorite chapter is “Apollo's Lyre” or why you're probably not spending enough time with me.

-No, I don't find putting the scene loop on Gerry's cape twirl on the DVD player monotonous after the first 15 minutes.

-Do not challenge my theory that playing the Phantom OCR cd/movies will make your kid smarter than those damn Baby Einstein products. Doesn't anybody remember that people thought Einstein was retarded as a young child? Michael Crawford and Lon Chaney are much more educational than annoying toy piano music and brightly colored random objects spinning in circles on a TV screen.

-All Siamese cats will be temporarily named Ayesha....period.

-Screaming at me to stop pushing the pencil into the electric sharpener in rhythm to any of the Phantom songs to make it “sing” doesn't work.


-Calling me a necrophiliac because of my devotion to Erik is also an offense punishable by violence.

-Do not be alarmed if I should randomly leap up and shout "THE GRASSHOPPER HOPS JOLLY HIGH!" or "Guggle! Guggle! Guggle!"

-Speaking in the third person is perfectly normal.

-Lying submerged in a full bathtub and trying to sing through a hollow reed is also perfectly normal.
-When going out with a Phan girl, be prepared to burst into 'All I ask of you!' at the drop of a hat. It will impresses her unless she is a devout Gerrik then it’s not acceptable!
-If I'm ever stuck in the bathroom for 5 hours, don't freak. I'm trying to achieve the perfect ringlet. No, I can't just scrunch my hair... that's not curling.
-It is a perfectly good use of time to practice walking down the hall without making a sound.
- Always know your Phan's alliances and favored pairings. Any ignorant comments favoring the wrong side may result in horrible painful death

- Never mention the word Fop (in any context) around a Raoul fan unless you want to hear an endless, irate, rant on the true meaning of the word
- Never tell a phan that the Opera Ghost did not exist. They will claw your eyes out. And it will be painful.

-You have to know what tune "DUHHH, dun dun dun DUHHH DUHHH" is. No questions asked.
-Ne'er call a male phan gay (unless he is. But I'm not, so that doesn't matter). You shall learn how straight a punjab lasso can be...as you die!

-Refusing to watch the movie with a phan will result in one thing: You not watching anything, while said phan sings along.
- Red and green velvet of any type= I'm attempting a Hannibal costume recreation.
-"If Erik jumped off a cliff would you jump too?" is a rhetorical question, right?
-Don't be alarmed if I start rattling off random things like "Raoul smells just like that Britney Spears perfume" or "RRRRG! I can't believe I left my English homework in box five again!!!....*mumble mumble*flying monkeys!*mumble mumble*....." in my sleep. They're part of my natural subconscious, I can't help it. (Those two are actually the most recent of my sleep ramblings. The second one I screamed at the top of my lungs so loudly one night at my cousin's hunting camp that it scared the living bejeesus out my uncle. They tell me I sounded like I was possessed....)
-If you tell me that you have seen the show, I will not care very much. If you start telling me that you've read the original book or seen the silent movie/any other relatively unknown movie adaptation, I will start to be interested.
-If you can't tell who the guy in the mask is on my desktop wallpaper, you shouldn't be on my computer.
-I am NOT mentally insane, even though I may appear to be. It is, in fact, entirely normal for a phan to jump seven feet in the air when they hear the infamous first bars of the song, or react excitedly to anything Phantom related even if it is VERY obscure.

-Phans go beyond liking just the musical. There is more to Phantom than the musical. That musical would not exist if Gaston Leroux hadn't written the book a good 74-ish (rough guess) before.

-Have you ever noticed people just assume all phans only like the musical? Weird.

-Of course I brushed and curled my hair to look more like Christine. Why would you even feel the need to ask? However, if you happen to notice and tell me "You look like Christine" I will love you forever and ever.

-Pale is the new tan.

-If you try to tell me about the sequel in an attempt to sound smart, I'd advise you break it to me with a touch of angst and disdain in your voice. If you think the idea of a sequel is the greatest thing since sliced bread, you are clearly not a phan and clearly have no concept of the beauty of PotO.

-Oh, and by the way, if I say PotO, I am not talking about poTAtoS, nor am I speaking a foreign language, though it may sound that way to you.

-Don't tell me there is no angel of music. If you do, I will send you to him and you will not like it.

-If I stop in front of a full length mirror, it isn't because I'm vain or I think I'm fat (usually). But don't think that out rules the last one as a possibility.

-To Guys: See the movie and I'll be interested. Buy the OBC CD and like it and I will love you. See the musical and like it and I will adore you. Read the book and cry at the beauty and I will be passionately in love with you until the end of my days.

-If you don't know who Erik is, and you have no intention of knowing, don't you dare call yourself a phan. In fact, don't even get any further into PotO. You don't deserve it.

-NEVER ask who my favorite Phantom is and expect only one answer. If you truly are curious, set aside at least two hours so I may properly explain my favorites.

-If I call you a "lowly babblet rat," it's not a compliment.

-If instead of eeny-meeny miny moe I say "scorpion, grasshopper, which do I choose?" it's probably for your own good so go with it.

-If after seeing the show I am somewhat distant and entranced, it is because I am having my Erik time. Do not disturb.

-Yes, I know the video of Hannibal/Think of Me/Angel of Music isn't the best one out there, but how else do you expect me to learn the choreography?

-If you go see the show, don't think you're getting off so easy. I will probably hint for a program or a t-shirt or a mug.

-There is no such thing as too much Phantom. Ever.

-Never, under any circumstances, mention that Corbin Bleu referenced MC and Phantom in high school musical and expect me to think it was "cute." It wasn't.

-In fact, don't even mention high school musical. None of those people are in high school and it isn't a musical. At least, I don't consider it one.

-Please don't bash Raoul because you think gErry wuz h0tt3r. That is the biggest load of BaloneySandwhiches I have ever heard. In fact, don't even bash Raoul at all for any reason unless you can give me a good, believable reason as to why you don't like him and if I approve*, bash him with discretion and justification.

*My approval will only be given if you have carefully viewed each and every adaptation of Phantom possible, listened to or have seen the musical, read Leroux, annotated carefully, and made a calculated list of all of Raoul's flaws and have written at least a three-page minimum essay on why you think he and Christine are not compatible and there was a mistake on the part of Leroux for pairing them. Then, once I confer with my POTO phriends, I will give it my official seal of approval and you may bash to your little heart's content.
-When I'm talking about Michael Crawford NEVER say "Who's he?"
-Never take my school planner with pictures of Erik on it and hit it against a desk because you think he's so ugly

-Don't attempt to understand why I'm trying to be left-handed

-When I'm have my iPod ear buds in, do not ask me what I'm listening to. You should know.

-When listening the soundtrack in the car, NEVER EVER attempt to turn the volume down. Doing so may be hazardous to your health.
-Your phone call is not as important as my need to blast the OLC's "YOU WILL CURSE THE DAY...HAHAHAHAHA!!!!" So hang up and quit glaring at me. It's not going to help.
-It is perfectly acceptable to collect spiders. Perfectly. Acceptable.
-If you wish to live, you will not touch my little "obsessive corner" as some people call it.
-Touch my book and you will die.
-Do not say I do not love my book because it is worn from many a night reading it.
- If you do not know who Gaston Leroux is you should learn before a phan finds that out.
-If you pronounce Leroux's name as if it rhymes with "Xerox" you will have problems.
-Do not ask why I have an incessant urge to tie every rose I see with black ribbon.
-Do not ask why I like candles more than electricity, or why there are so many golden candelabras.
-Dressing up as Erik for any occasion is acceptable. Dressing as Raoul is as well.
-DO NOT tell me that Erik is ugly. It is not his fault.
-Spelling of Erik with a "c" is a serious crime and will result in serious yelling at.
-Spelling of Raoul as "Rowl", “Raul”, “Roul”, or any other fathomable way is another serious crime.
-If you are wondering who the Vicomte de Changy is you need to learn fast.
-Know that being a tenor is a serious plus. Also not that I take pride that I am a soprano.
-Learn how to spell Daae. FAST.
-While under any chandelier, it is perfectly okay to do any of the following: make a fuss, squee, or scream and then duck for cover. Also acceptable is to say that "she is singing down the chandelier!"
-Being called a toad is not a complement.
-I am very skilled in making a remote reference to POTO out of a random, seemingly unrelated object.
-Do not be surprised if I ask for a swan bed.
-Also do not be shocked when I simply must go to Paris and learn French.
-Bursting out in song is okay. Get help if it is not about POTO.
-Quotes that sound like something I would not say are from POTO, and they are a part of my life.
-There is a very BIG difference is opera and musicals.
-If you can't remember who Michael Crawford or Gerard Butler, or Lon Chaney are...you don't want to know what will happen.
-Expressing your opinions is not cute or fascinating unless you've AT LEAST seen the movie, read the book, and studied the musical. AT LEAST.
-You'd better know what songs are TOM, AOM, POTO, MOFT, WYWSHA, and PTPONR.
-Do not ask for the gist of 'The Phantom of the Opera'. You may get a report of the many versions and adaptations. You've been warned.

-Telling a phan he/she spelled Erik wrong and should be spelled Eric will result in laughter at your poor misfortune. A lengthy explanation may be given

-When told to "Keep your hands at the level of your eyes!" you should extremely cautious for at least 24 hours.

-When you have ignored all warnings and extremely aggravated a phan do not be surprised when told "You have turned the Scorpion! You shall be dead and buried!"

-Saying "Dude, what's wrong with the freak's face!?" in the most shallow way will result in possible violence or even death depending on the phan
- PotO In 15 Minutes is the most hilarious YouTube video ever and you will watch it as many times as I say.

- If I am going to see the musical and drag you with me, you will NOT whine, make rude comments, be impolite, attempt to leave, ignore the show, or criticize it. Doing so will result in a severe punjabbing.

- If you have to ask about anything in any adaptation, you are not a true Phan. Period.

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